e-mail journalThursday, January 13, 200511:11AM - I'M GAY ...... WHO KNEW ? REALLY, SOMEONE KNEW BEFORE I DID .
10:51AM - HA HA HA HA
Current mood:  confusedCurrent music: k chat- vice city talk show Tuesday, October 26, 200410:15AMFrom: Clay Rogers 10:11AMHi Michael, Current mood:  awakeCurrent music: gene- rising for sunset Tuesday, June 10, 200311:48AM - againagain i am recessing,regressing,my black box is closing in on me. my worries, my fears are resurfacing.every few years i feel so tired and void of possibilities. hopeless and cold. i have become so cold. i have become so hard in ways i do not like , soft in ways i loath. i feel no pain. if migraines had sound my ears are booming with a deep pressure, like the bass is turned up all the way to create a soft wind. i have so much love festering inside of me.... yet have no way to expel it . the same for my anger.... i so tightly clench my teeth... it causes my head and jaw to throb. i think of the past... i wish for it .... yet i remember i wished for the past then as well. i wish to dispel these drastic thoughts from my mind. i dream of the today and it is so different from what i live. i dream i am content. i dream that i am sated. i dream of quiet pleasures. i dream so much i hate to wake. i think of the remnants i have left in my wake.i look at my surroundings and imagine future dust i have left behind. this is where my bed used to be.... look at all the space i take up. "take all of this crap .... subtract michal and all his shit .... wow look at all the pure white space i have now that he is gone." i wish to go . i want to start over. i yearn for quiet. a dark womb to crawl back into . no sunlight. no space for visitors. no space for all the shit that clutters up my life. i wish. i dream. i waste so much time ... where will i die? will anyone know. i think of my father in these dark times of his life and death. i think of his father his life and death. i think of three generations life and death . a long and painful drawn out death a quick and painful death and my inevitable death. i think of my cancer i think of my stds....i think that will be the way i go. i think of all my lovers that i never loved. i tried so hard to love. i just couldn't. i feel i am a liability to those who are related to me. i feel as if i must endure for there sake. it would be such a pain for everyone to have to view my dead carcass. so i must not put a period at the end of my name. still i think of all the eyes i must avoid, i think of how many more cold nights i must endure with someone sleeping through my pain. i wonder how much empty hearted lovemaking i will have to do. how much happiness i am incapable of obtaining. how much pain must i cause to those who wish me well. Current mood:  melancholyCurrent music: cure-bloodflowers Friday, May 2, 20032:26PM - moneyhello, i have been told that i haven't updated my journal in a while. yes, that is true . I am quite the anti intellectual. I have these notions of silent complacency. i cannot help it. i lead a very uneventful life . if i were to bitch. it would be the same bitch each and every time. i want more money. i want a bigger apartment (more money). i need a vacation (that would require more money). i want to pay off my credit cards (more money). my fish-tank is quite the shit tank the damn overhead lamp is busted , not the bulb the cover it self is busted (more money). i want an area for creating artwork (more money). i would like to unload some of these stupid pieces of artwork. (that would require me to take a little time off work - less money) blah blah blah. that and i cannot type worth shit. it takes me quite a long time to say anything. that and one other thing .......... i have a problem .......... an addiction.......... i am so ashamed ..... i ....... cannot stop playing video games. i cannot help it. i am such shit. Current mood:  accomplishedCurrent music: henry rollins- talk is cheap vol#1 Wednesday, January 22, 200310:28AM - oh so sadso yes i did get more bad news. on friday the tenth i got a phone call @ 11;00am from new york .my uncle vito said my grandfather had died. i called my mother and left the state in 5 hours. drove 6 hours. and made it by midnight. i was not doing so well. all the family expected this to happen. he was on dialysis for 12 years . he was born in 1920. he was 83. i still cannot believe he is gone. it was also expected because my grandmother died 6 months before. although it pains me to know i couldn't make it to her funeral,i couldn't have possibly made it . i was not informed of her death until 3 weeks later. i am told they had the wake the same day of her death. no point on crying over spillt lives. shittyness is all around. Current mood: sadCurrent music: the smiths- meat is murder Thursday, January 9, 200311:05AM - yawn.......sorry, i have been gone a while....not anywhere but to the land of ffx ... damn that game is sooo long.. i didn't even do as much as i could have done.... after 95 hours i just needed to end it . still a very cool game. but alas i must go again. somehow my girlfriend killed my computer. grrrrrrrr..... so i have to send the damn thing out . for i don't know how long. Current mood: discontentCurrent music: self - gizmodgery Monday, November 25, 200211:20AM - girl+surprise+brooklynthe girl is gone. she left on saturday. she hasn't called.....i worry. i will remain calm. i have a nagging hangover. just enough to be annoying. i'm sure breakfast will end it. yet on my days off i usually wait a long time to eat. i received some good news today. i think. i am italian. i used to live in brooklyn with my family. my mother brought me to maine because a prophet said that new york will be destroyed. (she says "i told you so" when referring to the 9-11 events). i just never went back, i miss it so much. i separate my 2 weeks vacation to visit twice a year. that is the main reason that i haven't traveled abroad or for pleasure.i digress. my family is set up very much like the mafia, and the leader of the family woke me up today to tell me that my grandfather loves me very much, that the family is very proud of me,that they are sending me a gift, my father was a good person, that he had the drug gene and that they were worried that i had it,if my girlfriend does any drugs, if i do any drugs,what is my girlfriend's name,i am a good person,that i have always taken care of my mother,[i would always if someone gave me food,i would offer it to my mother first, if someone gave me money ,i would offer it to my mother first.],t and that i need to go back to church. i think that i have no choice. i haven't been to church for ... shit since '94 ...almost ten years. it was the most loaded phone conversation i have ever had in ten minutes. i knew the family leader cared about me,but i never knew to what degree, or if they cared at all during the times i am away. Current mood:  calmCurrent music: without you i'm nothing-placebo Friday, November 22, 2002Thursday, November 21, 20029:02AMsaturday, the girlfriend will be leaving for england for the third time. the last time the girl left for new castle she said that she would be there for 2 weeks,then she ended up there for 6 weeks. she says that she will be in london for a week. maybe this means she will not return. i wonder if i will be either really drunk during this time or will i catch up on some cohen bros. films? maybe i will read a book......hee hee hee.... oh boy, whew.. no really there once was a time when i was quite the reader. a friend of girl lent me THE FINAL DAYS OF MICHAEL HUTCHENCE. i just might read it. actually i think one of the last books i read was a biography on johnny marr and morrissey and the bad blood. Current mood: numbCurrent music: placebo - every you every me Friday, November 15, 200212:20PM - still worrying...i think my cat knows that i am worring too much .she has been on my lap all morning and last night. for the most part just content to sit and generate warmth, and look up at me occasionally with those smiling eyes......[sigh] Current mood: worriedCurrent music: tori amos -sweet sangria Thursday, November 14, 200210:08AM - worry.i worry so much about the future. i wonder if i will end up like the middle -aged taco bell workers, or the elderly grocery store baggers. yes..... i can see it the progression of my life. right now i work @ the bbq restaurant as a runner. i am losing my talent by the minute... i worry that having a good head on one's neck just isn't good enough. i worry that all the youthful dreams of greatness were just dreams. i worry about the things people say about pieces are true. ...that the dreamer dreams the most wondrous things , a place of beauty and wonder, security ,fortune , fame, appreciation , fulfillment, and recognition. but as the dreamer finally awakes to find that these things never could exist , he becomes the bitter , grumpy, and lonely recluse..with no chance of having the dreams fulfilled. oh dear... maybe i should go back to school.... i never learned to type, spell, multiplication or division. the shit i did learn i seem to have forgotten. maybe, that is why i am an artist... because that is all i can be . do or die. or work @ taco bell. [sigh] Current mood:  thirstyCurrent music: depeche mode-home maxi-single Wednesday, November 13, 20029:16AM - the old dayswhen i was a little boy back in brooklyn new york, i wasn't allowed to buy or own "rock music" but as everyone knows the more something is repressed the more that thing is wanted. so i would grab one of the recorded sermons of my mom collection and tape over it with songs from the radio. it would take three days to make a mix tape like that. listning for a good song with your finger on the record button, making sure you didn't get the radio call letter jingle or the dj's babble recorded. and when you finally got the song you wanted ,you actually danced around for those 3 min until the end fade when you ran to put your finger on the pause button (if you found out that pause never recorded those auful tape clicks between recordings) to end the song. i actually remember singing this song in the back of the public bus w/ my head out the window. some how i thought the other passengers didn't hear me. did i mention that i was little at the time? Current mood: awakeCurrent music: when in rome-the promise Monday, November 11, 2002Navigate: (Previous 20 entries) |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
malacaria's journalLog in Create a LiveJournal Account Learn more
</a>
</a>
</a>
</a>
</a>